How Do You Mend a Broken Soul?
by amandalynwood
Summary: previously post as "First Cut is the Deepest" --I wasn't happy with the sequencing of the already writtent text. Can Jacob ease Bella's devastation. Can he win her love? What happens when Edward returns to Forks. Who will Bella choose?
1. Awakening

**_HOW DO YOU MEND A BROKEN SOUL?_**

LYRIC CREDITS FOR CHAPTER ONE

_Broken – _lyrics written by Lindsay Haun

_________________________________________________________

**CHAPTER ONE**

_**AWAKENING**_

**BELLA **

_**Wake up to a sunny day... not a cloud up in the sky... and then it start to rain... **_

_**My defenses hit the ground... and they shatter all around... so open and exposed...**_

_**When you're broken in a million little pieces**_

_**And you're tryin'... but you can't hold on anymore...**_

_**Every tear... falls down for a reason... when you're broken...**_

After almost five months lost in the fog of grief that had resulted from Edward's abandonment, I found myself down at La Push with Charlie. It wasn't' the first time he'd attempted to pull me along with him—apprehensive I suppose to leave me unattended in my near catatonic state—but I had always managed to find some way to remain locked up within my grief. I'd drag out my homework; open up another book (preferably anything minus woods of love and romance or characters going by the name of Edward.

I guess I should be grateful that my father finally threatened to send me away to Renee for he finally managed to draw me out of my devastation enough to first draw an emotional response and prompted me to leave my zombie-like state behind me.

Still I was simply living day by day, and I'd agreed to come to come along because that was part of the new deal I had with Charlie—you know—mix and mingle, have social interactions outside the home and school, preferably with people my own age.

If it made him less worried about me, what could it hurt? And at least the prospect of time spent with Billy and Jacob Black beat the cold shoulders of Jessica and Lauren at school., and I really didn't wish to encourage Mike Newton's attentions beyond the current educational necessity.

I know the boy meant well, but Newton could get on my shredded nerves faster than anyone else I knew, and on some level buried deep beneath my unrelenting grief I appreciated his efforts no matter how much he frustrated me. Additionally school was not really conducive to forgetting about HIM. I couldn't eat in the cafeteria without expecting to see the entire Cullen clan sitting at their table. My advanced Biology class was sheer torment.

Anyway, like I said I found myself at La Push, it was raining as usual, but nothing that would daunt Charlie and Billy from hitting the lake with their fishing equipment. Still, I'd carried my backpack and was planning to escape reality yet again if possible. When we first arrived Jacob was out with Quil and Embry, and Billy apologized for his son being late, swearing that Jacob was very excited that we were coming.

It made little difference to me as I curled myself into a corner of the Black's couch and pulled a book from my backpack. I didn't achieve much reading, instead drifting off as the lack of sleep due my recurring nightmares caught up with me. So I drifted off to sleep, open book in my hand.

~*~*~

_**JACOB**_

_Little girl don't be so blue… I know what you're going through…don't let it beat you up…_

_Hittin' walls and gettin' scars…Only makes you who you are…_

_"When you're broken…In a Million little pieces…And your tryin'…But you can't hold on any more…_

_Every tear… falls down for a reason…When you're broken…"_

Our house looked extremely quiet and I'd noted that the boat was gone when we'd drove past the dock. I was afraid that maybe she'd decided not to come again. _**Damn the Cullens,**_ I'd never forgive them for what they'd done to her. I'd defended them against my father's dumb superstitions, and while I didn't believe the legend, they might as well be what my father claimed. They may not have taken her blood like the legends claimed they would, but they still were monsters who'd killed her spirit and left her soul in unrelenting misery.

I would give just about anything to get Eddie boy alone for five minutes, I would make him think twice about toying with another girl like he'd done with Bella, promising her the world and the ripping her dreams out from under her. I'd prove that there was more to being a man than being "Mr Perfect" pretty boy.

And all of these thoughts were before I even set foot inside the house. I went inside and there she was—_my heart rate accelerated momentarily at the first sight of her_—but then it slowed again as my prior wishes about Edward Cullen magnified tenfold.

Bella had fallen asleep reading and she was hauntingly, achingly beautiful and clearly haunted even in sleep by her memories of Edward, as his name fell easily from her lips. So much pain and longing. So much love in the breathy murmur.

**What kind of fool throws a gift like Bella away? **I was part of the search party that night, I was there with Sam when he carried her back out of the woods, Bella murmuring Cullen's name over and over incoherently. I'd watched the relief in Charlie's face that she was found physically safe and my Dad and I had watched his devastation over these last months at his helplessness in helping Bella recover from that bastard's desertion. I'd accidentally overheard Charlie talking to my Dad a couple of months back about Bella's nightmares.

I wasn't sure what I could do in the long term, but I could do something about right now. She looked so uncomfortable and the dark circles under her eyes were proof that she wasn't getting proper rest. I could at least make her more comfortable. I mean really, what else could I do? I was barely sixteen, but I'd been head over heels for Bella from the first moment I'd seen her when she'd come back this time. I'd love nothing more than to take her in my arms, kiss away her pain and make her forget a certain family ever existed.

I moved closer, combing a stray lock of hair back from her pale face. I could look at her forever. She looked so tired and maybe a little cold, the skies were clouding up again, and there was always a chill in the air this time of year. I grabbed the patchwork afghan off the back of the couch and sat down beside her, gently easing her toward me, somehow managing not to wake her, settling her head on a throw pillow on my lap and draping the afghan around her. She mumbled something incoherent and then settled again.

I leaned my head back and closed my eyes as I inhaled the delicious scent of her, and my fingers combed absently through her hair. It wasn't much, but for the moment it was the best I could do.

_**BELLA**_

As I drifted toward consciousness I was warm, warmer than I could remember in months, I felt gentle fingers in my hair and I could hear rain falling against the roof. If not for the warmth I could almost believe it was HIM.

I struggled awake, trying to piece together what was so different, and the fact that I was clearly not at home in my bed. I stirred, my eyes fluttering open to ingest my surroundings. A familiar voice sounded very close to me. "Bella? You awake...?"

I sighed, mumbling his name in recognition, "Jacob?"

"Go back to sleep," he said softly, "You obviously need the rest." His fingers stroked through my hair again, and I finally realized my head was in his lap.

I wasn't about to go back to sleep. Jacob Black was the only reason I'd allowed Charlie to drag me out here. Here where there shouldn't be reminders of someone else, because HE wasn't allowed here. I would not look up at my surroundings and expect HIS presence. So, instead of following Jacob's directive, I pushed myself up, with a flush of red to my cheeks at the fact that I was sleeping with my head in his lap and had no recollection of how I got there. I let my embarrassment tumble from my mouth without much forethought, "I'm so sorry, Jacob, how inconsiderate of me to fall asleep like that."

He nodded somberly for just a moment, like he agreed with me wholeheartedly, but then a smile like fresh sunshine burst across his face as he pressed a finger against my lips to silence me. "No Bella, it was inconsiderate of me to keep you waiting. I wasn't offended in the slightest, I've often wondered what you would look like sleeping."

I did a double take, knowing what I did about Jacob and how he'd often hinted at more than just a friendly interest. If Newton had popped up with such a remark I might have slapped him-Newton's persistence despite his relationship with Jessica had been irritating in the extreme, especially when HE was still around.

Mike had, however, since my return from catatonia been no more than friendly and supportive, clearly sensing that I needed my space. Jacob's remark was done almost tongue-in-cheek, not that I didn't think he meant it, but I wasn't offended. "Sorry Jacob, hope you weren't disappointed."

"How could I be disappointed?" he laughed. "I just wish you didn't seem so exhausted. Are the nightmares really that bad?"

I didn't react with too much surprise, "My dad's been talking to your's?"

"Yeah, but my dad doesn't know I've been eavesdropping on his phone calls with Charlie…," his smile faded, concern filling his eyes. "I still don't understand how Cullen could dump you like that. Did he really just walk away?"

"I really don't want to talk about HIM, Jacob. It hurts too much. I thought he… I thought I meant more …. Well… I was a fool… _how did he put it?_ I was just…. just… a distraction." I fell over the words, fighting the tears , the very same tears I'd sworn I'd never shed again.

"A distraction Bella?" Jacob sounded very angry. "You're not a fool. He is—if I had the chance you'd given him, well you could rest assured that I'd never walk away and leave your soul bleeding. What kind of heartless monster does that to someone?"

_**MONSTER**_**.** Those were HIS terms too. Over and over HE'D warned me that he would hurt me and all along I thought he was talking about physically. I never thought that mental anguish could be worse. HIS abandonment of me was worse than the brutal agony burning through my battered, broken body from the venom of the bite I'd received from James combined with all my other vampire induced injuries. If HE could just walk away from me like he'd done, why had he bothered saving me in the first place

After the attack by James all I'd wanted to do was succumb to the pain, for death to take me, but the voice of my angel kept me hanging on, HIS voice begging me not leave HIM. I'd held on for HIM. But when HE left me behind my pleas had fallen on deaf ears. He'd ripped out my heart, and left my self-esteem in shreds.

Bella didn't exist without Edward-but apparently Edward could do just fine without me. Well, enough self-pity, enough selfishness. I'd had a life before HIM I'd just have to find it again… I couldn't let HIM take my life away from me, despite that fact that I'd offered my life up to him time and time again. I should have realized he didn't really want me if he wouldn't turn me.

Bright red fury swam before my eyes, and I could hear the fresh concern in Jacob's voice, "Bella—are you okay? I didn't mean to make you angry. I'm sorry."

I met his anxious gaze, reaching up to touch his face. "No Jacob, I'm not okay…yet. But don't apologize for what someone else did to me. I'm not mad at you… for the first time I'm directing my anger where it should go. I'm glad to be able to call you my friend."

Jacob brought his hand up, curling his fingers around my hand. _**"Anything Bella, I'd do anything for you."**_


	2. Collide

Collide lyrics as recorded by Howie Day.

**Chapter Two  
Collide**

_**Jacob  
**_

_The dawn is breaking…. a light shining through …you're barely waking… and I'm tangled up in you  
I'm open you're closed….Where I'll follow you'll go …I worry I won't see your face light up again_

_Even the best fall down sometime …Even the wrong words seem to rhyme  
Out of the doubt that fills my mind … But somehow find you and I… collide…_

_**"Anything, Bella. I would do anything for you."**_

Her hand trembled beneath my encircling fingers. She was shaking and again I wanted to make Edward Cullen suffer for the way he'd hurt her. Bella didn't have the capacity in her to be cruel. She wouldn't deliberately hurt anyone. _How had he been so callous? Why hadn't he picked some other Forks girl to play his cruel games with? Why had he tampered with her and broken her heart?_

_**Anything**_.

I didn't say the word lightly. I meant it with everything in me. Others I'm sure would think I was taking a first crush too hard, too seriously, but I knew better, this was no crush and for me Bella was 'the one'.

It didn't matter in the least how young I was; we were both what my grandfather would probably call "old" souls in young bodies. Both of us having to be mature for our age. I'd heard how Bella was so grown up most of the time because her mother was kind of ditzy and immature. _How had Bella once explained it to me?_

Renee was young at heart and someone had to act like an adult. I had also had to grow up a lot at a young age because of my dad's handicap and my mother's death. Yeah, Billy was as independent as was possible, but I knew he felt guilty for not being able to do lots of father/son things together as we might have liked.

Bella had somehow found her way back to the real world, but she was skittish, like a timid little rabbit who could sense the fox nearby, and one false move could send her scurrying back to hide in her hole. Time had allowed her to recover enough to realize she need someone to talk to, and I was grateful that she'd thought to turn to me.

My reckoning was that she simply needed more time and that I had in spades. I also knew I had to handle her carefully. She was, for the moment anyway, this extremely fragile bubble and if she broke again I might lose her forever.

She pulled her hand from mine, her fingers coming up toward my face. My eyes closed in desperate hopeful anticipation, as her soft touch feathered across my cheek.

_**Need…. Desire…. **_

It swam deliciously through my sexually inexperienced body. Despite my own technical virginity I didn't have to be a genius to know what I was feeling here. The scent of her was driving me wild. I wanted Isabella Swan—in the most desperate way imaginable. I wanted to touch her, taste her, kiss every inch of her, but I couldn't. At least not yet.

"Bells" I whispered hoarsely, smiling at her even as I tried to do the right—the noble thing. Once again I grasped her hand, pulling it down from my face.

Her gaze flickered up to mine, a small half-smile playing at the corners of her mouth in return. "Yeah?"

"You don't want to do that." I was struggling to keep my breathing even. Trying not to do what my body was screaming for. _To sweep her body down on the couch beneath me and…_

Her lilting honeyed voice interrupted my train of thought, "Why not?" Her gaze searched mine curiously.

"Unless you're saying you want to be MORE than just friends?" I confessed pointedly, hopefully making how she was affecting me crystal clear. "And I don't think that's a step you're ready for, Bells."

I watched as the realization of how what she'd done was affecting me flickered brightly in her face. "Oh" she said meekly, a becoming flush staining her cheeks, "Sorry Jake," she countered, scooting her body back a little, putting some distance between us.

I took a steadying breath. "But just so you know, I'm ready 'whenever'…" her delicate brow arched in a clear warning, and I struggled against my burgeoning hopes to make the next distinction, "I mean 'if' you decide you want to take that next step…"

I paused, waiting, holding my breath for her response.

_**Bella**_

_I'm quiet you know … You make a first impression …_

_I've found I'm scared to know … I'm always on you're mind_

Even the best fall down sometime …Even the stars refuse to shine

_Out of the back you fall in time … to somehow find you and I… _**collide**

**------------------------------------------------------------**

_**"When?" **_

_**"If?"**_

I'd always known Jake was interested, but I'd never realized how intently serious he was about me before this moment. I mean, really, Jacob Black was this kid I'd played with time and time again over the years on my visits to Charlie each summer.

_How was it possible that he could know me so well_? Better, I believed in this moment than I knew myself. For Jake was dead on right. I wasn't close to ready for a next step, whatever it might be. I was still clinging too hard to my past life.

I dropped my gaze to my hands now resting nervously in my lap. How to explain this without hurting him. I needed this, this chance at friendship like I need the air I breathed. Almost as much as I'd needed SOMEONE ELSE not so long ago. Almost as much as I still needed HIM-THEM.

Only I didn't need him quite like that. I wasn't ready to open my heart up to the magnitude of pain another loss like that might entail. I couldn't possibly survive that kind of pain again. I was clinging to my sanity by mere threads as it was.

I hissed mentally to myself. 'Stop this Bella, this is Jacob's time, you can dwell on all of THEM later."

Jacob was silent for what felt like ages as I held back trying to find the right words. In actuality it wasn't much more than a couple of minutes before he reached out to tilt my gaze back to his. "I'm so sorry, Bella. Sometimes what I should say gets tangled up with things I shouldn't even be thinking and they get all mixed up and come out either all mixed up or when they shouldn't come out at all."

It was my turn to grasp his wrist, my fingers just barely encircling his huge hand. I tried to find a smile.

"It's okay Jake, I just wish I could offer you what you want, but I can't… at least not right now. It's all still too fresh, the pain still too vivid. Crap, I should let Charlie send me away, that way I don't complicate someone else's life."

A hint of anger flashed across Jacob's face. "No Bells, don't you ever think that, you just came back to us. Don't even think about going away. I can't speak for certain for Charlie, of course, but I can tell you that you're not a complication to me. You're a necess--…" he stopped mid-word, then smiled gently. "Oops, there I go again."

Suddenly there was something building inside me. A feeling, an urge I'd not felt in months. Not since… NO… I would not let HIM intrude here. I forced the memory away, but somehow let the previously lost emotion rise by itself to the surface.

"It's okay Jake," I said, letting my fingers entwine with his as the bubble of laughter slipped from my mouth, a real smile touching my face at last…

**Jacob**

_"Even the best fall down sometime … Even the wrong words seem to rhyme  
Out of the doubt that fills your mind … You finally find that you and I __**… collide…"**_

_Was she laughing at me? Or with me?_

I couldn't tell, and to be honest I didn't care. Her light laugh was music to me, and her smile brightened not just the room, but my heart. My pride swelled inside of me, no matter what happened between us in the long run, the only thing that mattered to me was right this moment. This very instant.

She was smiling-for me. Edward Cullen had ripped smiles, laughter and joy from her life and I—Jacob Black—had given it back to her. Well at least one smile and one laugh. Friends, hell yeah. I'd take as much she wanted to offer me. She'd just offered me a promise of "maybe", of "not yet". A flickering of hope for a deeper relationship. Maybe… someday… but I wouldn't pressure her. She was starting to heal, we were still young, we had plenty of time.

Like today, it was overcast and misty, but there was plenty of daylight left. Sitting here inside was just going to keep us in awkward proximity, and I'd had about all that I could stand of that for the time being.

Rising to stand, I cocked a mischievous brow, "How about we get out of here for a bit?"

"And do what?" she asked, rising as well.

"I don't know, but I have to look at the insides of these walls far too much to want to spend much more time in here. Besides I think the fresh air would do you good."

"Okay, just to warn you, I still haven't outgrown my clumsy feet."

I snorted with a grin, "Neither have I."

She gave me an incredulous look. "Since when are you clumsy?"

"Don't you remember back about five years ago, our dads took us both out fishing and by the end of the day they swore they'd never let both of us in the boat together ever again?"

Bella let go of another laugh, "Oh yeah, I tripped over Billy's tackle box-twice, and you knocked Charlie's favorite fishing rod into the lake."

My laughter joined hers, and it felt so right. "Then you stepped "IN" the bait bucket."

Another laugh erupted from Bella, this one louder and deeper. "Those poor bait worms didn't stand a chance. Just call us both 'grace'…" She suddenly looked up at me speculatively, 'You know you've been taller than me for as long as I can remember. Given how much older I am that's really not fair."

I ignored the age reference, and I smiled back down at her, "Just means I have a head start on creating bigger messes."

"What do you have in mind?" she asked picking up her rain jacket. I noted that it was all she had to go over her sweater.

"I haven't planned that far. Is that jacket all you brought?"

"Yeah."

"Bells," I sighed in exasperation, and voiced my next critical thought. "And Charlie let you get by with that?"

"I don't think he was paying much attention, he was too surprised that I agreed to come in the first place and the cruiser has good heat. I wasn't cold at all."

I gave her a disbelieving glare. I knew better, that thoughts of being physically comfortable were a foreign concept to her at this point. She hadn't cared in the slightest whether she'd be cold or not.

I, on the other hand, took her physical well-being quite seriously, "Well if we're going outside for any length of time you'll need more than that. Wait right here."

I returned from my room with a thick hooded sweatshirt that courtesy of my latest grown spurt was expendable. "Here, put this on and put your rain jacket over it. You can keep it, it doesn't fit me anymore."

"Thanks Jake," she said, suddenly flinging her arms around my waist. I instinctively wrapped my arms around her. I inhaled the sweet scent of her again, and dropped the lightest of kisses on her hair.

_**Time with Bella…**_ It was going to be the most excruciating pleasure and exquisite agony I would ever know.


	3. Sweeter Dreams

**CHAPTER THREE**

_**SWEETER DREAMS**_

_CHARLIE_

It was overcast all day; Billy and I had already been out on the water for nearly five hours. We always fished straight through the afternoon, but today when the threatening rain finally defeated the clouds—for the second time today (The first time being shortly after we hit the water this morning,) and the new rain was coming down in a relentless steady drizzle until despite our rain gear we were thoroughl6 soaked and the hill in the air began to drain our warmth, and I knew the combination of wet and cold wasn't good for Billy's health. But like always we left our lines in the water, while we packed everything else up to head back in.

We'd caught enough for supper for four and then some and I really wanted to get back to Billy's and check on my daughter. Bella seldom left my thoughts anymore and I could only hope that Jacob could penetrate her malaise. My concern for my little girl danced through my head all the time.

_I'd been quite pleased that she'd managed a good circle of new friends at school that first week after she'd moved up here to live with me. By all accounts they all were good kids, I supposed. I'd known their parents, the Newtons and Stanleys were long time acquaintances of mine and all that kind of stuff; but by the same token I was acquainted with Carlisle Cullen too. I had never had anything but respect for all the good he did at the hospital-and his courage in taking in all those kids. _

_You certainly wouldn't catch me in those shoes. Bella-good girl that she was-well she was enough teenager and teenage angst for me to handle. Not that Carlisle's kids weren't good ones. Even that Edward kid was on surface, anyway, what any father would hope for his daughter. Intelligent, good grades, respectful, well-mannered; and not a single complaint had ever crossed my police desk about any of the Carlisle clan. _

_I continually had to force the cause of my Bella's misery from my thoughts, because what I'd like to do him... well, it wasn't pleasant. She was better lately, but not by a whole lot. I mean she went to school, she spoke when spoken to and had begun cooking meals for me again. _

_**But was it really my Bella?**__ Not really; her heart wasn't in it. Part of her was missing, I knew where it had gone and I didn't know how to get it back for her. Renee called me everyday at the office to check on her; since Bella didn't call her or check her e-mail much, if at all. Renee was just as worried as I was- _

_I was more certain now than ever that I should have put my foot down about Edward Cullen after that first time. When she came back from Phoenix in pieces, and distraught that I might never forgive her for what she'd said to me when she left. It was just the beaming smile on her face-how utterly happy he seemed to make her that had allowed me to let her continue to see him-her reassurance that it was a stupid argument that had gotten out of hand and I had been caught in the crossfire. _

_I so wished now that I'd stuck to my protective instincts then. Edward Cullen had been there in Phoenix, with her when she fell down those stairs and through that window. Now she was broken again, even though her body was sound physically but her constant nightmares kept us both awake and I felt so useless-unable to make them go away and no matter what I tried she wouldn't confide them to me. Edward Cullen had nearly destroyed her twice and damned if I'd let him near her again. He wasn't going to be allowed to destroy my baby girl time and time again and get away with it. _

_My baby girl…I can still remember the day she was born, the first time I held her, sharing all those milestones with her mother until Renee walked out on me taking Bells with her. The awkwardness of Bella's summer visits and the gaping emptiness in both my home and my heart each time I sent her back to Renee._

"Charlie!" Billy shouted, drawing my attention back to the moment, "That looks like a big one, you gonna let it get away?"

I turned my attention to the fish on my line, moments too late to set the hook, and as I gave a good yank the fish splashed the surface, fish and line separating and then the fish disappeared back beneath the dark water. "Damn!" I muttered.

"You had enough today, Charlie?" Billy asked, sounding casual, but he knew me too well, he knew I'd been distracted today.

"Yeah, just have things on my mind.."

"She'll be fine; Jacob will take good care of her."

"I know that Billy, there was this small flicker of something--I don't know what--in her eyes this morning when she talked about Jake, something that typically isn't there when she talks about the kids from school. It was a positive reaction, such a genuine interest and I have no problems encouraging it. They've always been good friends."

"Well, whatever it is, you're crap at fishing today…" he teased, giving me the usual attitude for the close of a day's fishing.

'If you say so." Normally, I taunted back, but not today, my mood was one of worry.

Just because she'd come to La Push with me today didn't mean she'd made any further progress. I wanted to reassure myself that today had been a good decision. To have my parental instincts validated, to have something—anything—to wipe away some of the helplessness I'd felt ever since Bella was found incoherent in the woods by Sam Uley, mumbling over and over again that Edward was gone.

Billy started the boat's motor and we headed back to the docks. We took it much slower than when we'd headed out this morning, the water a bit choppy. For the most part, Billy left me to my thoughts, understanding my concern for my child.

The landing was in sight when Billy suddenly slowed the boat to a crawl before he cut the outboard off. He pointed up the ridge just north of the dock. "Charlie, up there."

I followed his gaze through the scattering of trees to a familiar yellow rain jacket. Bella's rain jacket. Immediate worry sprang to my mind. What was she doing outside in this rain? _"What the hell?"_

"Charlie, it's okay, Look… she's with Jake, that's his jacket and there's two more with them."

I let myself relax slightly, Jacob was with her, and then I squinted to see who else was out there. "I don't recognize them Billy… can you tell?

"I can't say for certain at this distance but given their heights and builds in relation to Jake, I would say that it's Quil and Embry—Jake's best buddies."

"Good kids?" I asked, since not many of the kids from La Push made it into Forks on a regular basis, and I was glad to be able to say none of them had been in trouble with my office. The only kids from the reservation around Bella's age other than Jacob that I would know on ready sight were Leah and Seth Clearwater, their father Harry was almost as close a friend to me as Billy was.

"Aside from typical teenage mischief… not much in the way of causing any real troubles… no vandalism or criminal activity. Just the odd teenage prank-nothing the council hasn't managed to contain." A surge of pride filled Billy's voice with his next remark. "And Jacob tries to keep them in line."

My gaze flickered away from the teenage boys to my daughter as Billy's boat still carrying the momentum of the motor was drifting closer. I watched her, trying to decipher her mood, quite a difficult task at this distance. I put on my best Sheriff Swan face. "I'd like to meet those boys if they're going to be around Bella."

Billy shook his head, not fooled for a moment, knowing I was looking for an excuse to hurry back to Bella. "They don't bite, Charlie." but in the next moment, he fired up the outboard, revving it loudly.

I saw all four heads up on the ridge look in our direction, and Jacob's hand came up to wave at us, and then Bella's, her wave full of more energy than I'd seen in ages. Hope sprang up again in my heart that she was finally on the road to recovery.

Still worry cropped up, drawing another laugh from Billy as I mumbled. "She's not dressed warm enough to be out in this."

"Just relax Charlie, we'll be there in five minutes." Then he made a gesture to Jacob, indicating they needed to head back to the house. I was pleased to see moments later Bella's yellow jacket like a beacon descending the ridge with her companions.

BELLA

I crawled into my bed. It was the ending of the first good day I'd experienced in months, since, well you know. I'd almost had fun-strike that-I'd had as much fun as possible under the circumstances. Jacob had done his best to entertain me and his friends Quil and Embry had kept me laughing and smiling all afternoon.

Strange thing given the dismal but typical weather, but then there was the sunshine in Jacob's easy smile. So at ease with himself, who he was, so at ease with his place in the universe.

Charlie had seemed quite pleased by my interactions with the La Push boys. I guess anything that seemed halfway toward human behavior was an improvement in his eyes. I saw something else too, a relief, a relaxing in the tension usually in his face. Like a burden was lifting and remorse for all the worry I'd subjected him to made me sad. A different kind of sad because it was something I could try to fix.

I heard the gentle rap on my door, "Yeah Dad?"

"You okay in there."

"You can come in,"

The door opened and Charlie popped his head in. "Just wanted to say good night. Did you have a nice time today?"

It was easy to say 'yes" and mean it. "It was great. Jacob's friends were funny and Jacob made me feel right at home. Sorry you and Billy didn't get to do more fishing."

"There'll be other days to fish, Bells. You should get some sleep, all that hiking had to tire you out. Good night, sweetheart, sweet dreams."

"Good night, dad." I wasn't faking the yawn, as Charlie popped back out of my room, closing the door behind him. I was exhausted, but it was a good tired. Hopefully good enough not to dream…or maybe to have different dreams.

I reached out to turn off my bedside lamp and then curled around my pillow, lost in the images of the day, the last image I remembered was not HIM for a change, but the bright smile of Jacob Black.

**JACOB**

_Isabella Swan…_

I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling. Images and thoughts I knew better than to dwell on overwhelming my subconscious.

_Bella Swan… _

Hair soft as silk when I'd combed it through my fingers as she'd slept with her head in my lap this afternoon.

_Bella… _

The quickening of my heart every time my gaze met hers. The connection I felt to those brown eyes, deep, soft and warm. Later on, the embarrassed flushes of color on pale skin.

_Bells… _

Innate clumsiness so similar to mine. Her tentative smiles and cautious laughter converting to a more relaxed demeanor as the afternoon progressed. Her relaxed attitude when I'd introduced her to my friends. Her real excitement when I'd shown her my latest automotive endeavor. She seemed quite impressed with the progress I was making on restoring the Volkswagen Rabbit.

My own flushes of embarrassment-worth every second-as Bella exposed some of my more questionable childhood exploits to Quil and Embry. Like the mud pies we'd made and Bella convinced me to taste, Bella spilling the details of the unfortunate fishing rod and then laughing at herself again as she revealed the unusual demise of a certain batch of bait worms. The guys laughed, and then revealed some of my more recent exploits. Then Bella's genuine laughter at the antics of Quil and Embry up on the slopes. Then, later, the shared laughter around the dinner table with my dad and Charlie.

What had once seemed only a desperate wish drifted away replaced by a genuine hope that my unspoken dream now stood a chance at reality. I let the idea gel in my head as I drifted away with her gentle smile uppermost in my thoughts…

_Isabella Swan Black…._


	4. Chapter 4 Solace

**Chapter Four **

**Solace**

**Bella**

Sunlight peeks through my curtains and thanks to recent changes in my life I no longer greet the morning with a groan and reticence.

It's been two weeks since that Saturday morning when Charlie drug me down to La push and Jake; and—although the deep Edward-related scars are clinging stubbornly to my soul—my once shattered spirit is now mending nicely. My heart isn't quite so empty anymore and I know it's the radiance of Jacob Black's bright smile that warms me now.

It has also been more two weeks of school and now many of my former circle friends have noticed my new, much improved attitude. However, Jessica and Lauren's stance has remained relatively unchanged; both of them eyeing me suspiciously like I might have a multiple personality disorder or something. And with Newton's persistence he greedily soaks up whatever moments of time I willingly give to him.

While my mental health at this point isn't what anyone would call sound—I am still overwhelmingly depressed—and more or less delusional is more like it; and it is the only time that I consider that the option of an alternative personality might be beneficial. A personality who could shield my shattered heart and mind from the searing pain that continues to permeate my entire being; that is, of course, whenever I'm not focusing on my renewed friendship with Jake.

I'm not stupid, I know what he infers, not just with what he says with words, but in the gentleness and patience he seems to have with me. Most guys with half a brain would run screaming from someone who is so clearly a basketcase—but not MY Jacob.

Instead, he draws me closer, and more importantly, he can make me laugh; quite an accomplishment when most of the time I'd simply like to die so that the hole in my heart won't hurt me anymore. But death wasn't really an option—Charlie, Phil, Renee and Jacob not withstanding—there was, unfortunately, that damned stupid promise I'd made Edward; although IT WAS coerced from me, even as he'd left me behind that September afternoon.

"Nothing stupid Bella—don't do anything reckless." I can still hear his voice echoing in the corners of my mind.

He practically ordered me to make that promise, knowing I was a person who didn't take making promises lightly. Well, I'd show Edward Cullen-figuratively speaking, of course—since he wasn't around to see if I kept the promise or not. _**Why should I keep a promise made under duress when he'd broken every vow he'd ever made to me when he walked away from me in the woods?**_

Although still vividly there, the hole in my heart is no longer so gaping. Jacob has done wonders in smoothing out the sharpest edges and he gives me a reason to smile.

TODAY is Saturday—_La Push, baby_—as Eric might say. Yes, today is Saturday and that means Jacob. Jacob and I have a hike planned for this afternoon. Strictly staying on the reservation though, as someone has reported seeing a huge bear pretty close to the campgrounds, and Charlie made me and Jacob both swear to steer clear of that area.

Jacob has hinted that he wants to take me over to Port Angeles to see the latest gory slasher flick; and while it really isn't my thing, I don't think any horror film would bother me too much given that I've likely seen and more importantly have personally lived through much worse.

At my exasperated sigh, Jacob raises his brows and with laughing eyes reminds me that being 18 now and all that, I could get us both past that the restricted rating—although given Jake's most recent growth spurt, he clearly looks older that me—I am the one most likely to be asked to provide ID.

He swears it would be just as friends and we can each pay our own way, although I know without him saying anything that deep down he wants us to be so much more.

I reach up to push a few stray strands of his long black back hair over his shoulder and I note the intake of air and the held breath, as what can only be called lustful heat flares in his eyes as he awaits my decision. I know should stop this, try to dissuade his hopes for us, but I cannot find the strength to push away the only sunshine in my otherwise bleak life. Without Jake I might as well return to my zombie-like existence.

So instead I smile, "Okay Jake, you win."

He exhales at last, his smile bright as sunshine on a winter day, "The Rabbit is almost finished, I'm just waiting on one final part I have on order; it's due in sometime this afternoon, and if you can take me into Forks after our hike I can pick it up before they close tonight and I should be able to drive her by tomorrow afternoon. "

"Sounds good to me."

"Yes!" He exclaimed, and his excitement becomes physical as he sweeps into his arms and spins me around.

"Calm down," I say in a scolding tone, although smiling.

Sensing he has nearly crossed my invisible line, he releases me and he extends his hand to shake on it although there is this hopeful tone in his voice…"Okay, then, it's a date….?"

It takes so little to please him, and a small giggle escapes me. "Alright, if you insist… it's a date."

**CHARLIE **

I can hear Bella and Jake's voices in the living room, and it's so nice to hear laughter coming from my daughter, desperately needed medicine for both our souls.

My deep concerns for Bella are no longer as heavy a burden. She's more animated-for Bella anyway- she seems to have found some renewed purpose, and I know it's because of her friendship with Jake. I just hope he takes it slowly, I don't think Bella could handle another heartbreak, and I don't know how I'd manage to keep her intact a second time.

It nearly kills me to think of the pain she's already suffered. I do understand her pain, when Renee left me and took Bella away, I was devastated. But I was so much older than Bella is now and even though I do know how she feels, my little Bella has always been prone to being overly sensitive when she cares about something. And she cared deeply for Edward Cullen.

I fight the urge to interrupt them, the need to protect Bella utmost in my concsciousness, maybe even from Jacob who has put a light back into her eyes. I have noted the almost worship-like devotion Jacob has shown my daughter, but I also know he's a teenage boy and I remember being one myself. I know that sometimes the needs of a young male body overwhelm all other considerations, and Bella is still so fragile.

I just keep telling myself that Jacob's a good kid, and Bella for the most part has a level head on her shoulders, and I think she may be more resistant to romantic overtures than she might be otherwise.

Another laugh drifts through to thrill my ears. Bella's happiness… the sweet sound of her laughter, and despite my misgivings to the contrary, Jacob seems to be the key to her new happiness, and for the time being I'll accept her happiness no matter where it comes from…

**JACOB**

The hours Saturday passed by rapidly; the weather is letter perfect, Bella and I spending a pleasant day climbing low rises, taking pleasure in the peace of nature, watching squirrels scurry from treetop to treetop and listening to birds scolding us for invading their woodland sanctuary.

We ran into Quil, still visibly upset that Embry suddenly has taken up hanging out with Sam Uley,—and Paul and Jared—our former classmates, we don't know what's going on but I understand to some extent. Quil, Embry and I had been close since we were very little kids, and Embry's defection a few days ago is only affecting me less because of my newest obsession-Bella.

I see past Quil's bravado and tolerate his attempts at flirtation with Bella, certain that while someone else might come before me, it certainly isn't my buddy. Bella is wonderful with him, steering him away with gentle finesse, and teasing banter, but nothing that would hurt his feelings and I realize that this is one of the things I find most appealing about her. She doesn't have the capacity to deliberately hurt anyone. More than once she meets my stare with her gentle smile and warm gaze.

Quil's mood improved quickly although both of us can see he feels like the proverbial third wheel, but neither Bella nor I would ever consider ditching him. My friend and I fall into our childhood competitions, arm wrestling on a large boulder and racing to climb up trees, for fastest time or whoever get the highest, all with Bella acting as referee and declaring winners. Although slightly smaller in build than me, Quil has always been quick and agile. Arm wrestling was no contest, I took him easily, but the tree climbing was a different, Quil was more than just a few pounds lighter than me and he was able to climb higher before the branches became unsafe. Bella was a just judge…. rendering decisions with surprising impartiality.

The competition might have gone indefinitely if not for the ringing of my cell phone confirming the part for the Rabbit was in. Not wanting to leave Quil behind, the three us of climbed into the cab of Bella's truck and headed back into Forks to pick up the part.


	5. Anticipation

_(lyric credits- excerpts from Anticipation, by Carly Simon)_

**Chapter Five **

**Anticipation**

_We can never know about the days to come__  
__But… we think about them anyway, __  
__And I wonder… if I'm really with you now…__  
__Or just chasin' after some finer day…_

_Anticipation… anticipation _

**Bella**

I can't believe I'm behaving this way, Charlie thinks I've lost my mind, my whole closet is scattered on my bedroom floor. I can't find a decent thing to wear. I can't decide how to wear my hair. For crying out loud you'd think I was Jessica Stanley or something. I keep telling myself it's just Jake, and anything will do. But then again I want to look my best for my best friend.

_Why?_ I'm asking myself.

Then again _why not? _He's the only person, aside from Charlie and Renee, of course, who has an opinion I give a damn about.

_Me,_ Isabella Swan, worried about clothes. Alice would be so proud of me.

I shove that thought away before I end up wallowing in sad thoughts about someone else. This night is Jacob's. He deserves something after all the time he's spent babysitting me. For all the times he's been there for me, if doing nothing else but sitting in silence beside me, just being there.

I'm running my fingers through my hair when an unfamiliar knock comes on my bedroom door, it's not Charlie's light back of the knuckles rapping. I open the door…

"Angela? " I asked in surprise, "What are you doing here?"

Angela grinned kind of sheepishly, "I hope you don't mind,… your dad called me, thought I might be able to help you. He said he thought you needed female assistance. His exact words, not mine. So, what's up?"

"I have date."

Angela's mouth dropped open in shock. It was few seconds before she caught herself. "Did Mike finally wear you, down….God, Jess will be so pissed off."

"No, Ang, …not Mike… not ever…I wouldn't do that to Jessica. I'm going out with Jacob Black tonight."

Angela's eyes widened, but her smile was genuine.

"He seems like a nice guy… just be careful Bella, he's got it bad for you, I'd say almost as bad as Ed.." she caught herself . "I'm sorry, Bella, I should know better than to bring up the past."

I draw her into a hug, "It's okay, I know you mean well. But it's not like I just met Jake. I've known him since we were little kids. "

'Point taken, now let's make a decision."

She started picking clothes up from the floor and tossing them on my bed, both of us examining each article of clothing for its merits. "Bella, you're comfortable, really at ease around Jake, right?"

"Yeah…why?"

"Then why all this stress… wear something you're comfortable in, do you really think he's going to pay attention to what you're wearing?" She suddenly giggled, 'That is unless you choose not to wear anything. That would certainly get his attention."

I laughed back, -like Jacob need any encouragement. With that thought in mind, I decided modesty was a better idea than anything overtly sexy.

It took about ten minutes to decide on the clothes, Angela helped me decide what to do with my hair and we spent another hour or so discussing the topics for our spring term papers.

_And I tell you how easy it feels to be with you__  
__And how right your arms feel around me__  
__But I, I rehearsed those words just late last night__  
__When I was thinkin' about how right tonight might be…._

_Anticipation, anticipation  
_

**Jacob**

If I didn't know better I'd swear I'd swallowed an entire swarm of butterflies.

I've checked the clock at least a hundred times, and Dad is no help whatsoever. He keeps teasing me, keeps telling me to sit down. I've never been one to fidget and be at such loose ends. I sit with down and try to watch TV, but what Dad's watching doesn't pique my interest. I pick up my backpack, go to my room and check to make sure all my homework is done.

A crash of thunder rumbled in the distance. I pulled back the curtain… dark clouds were gathering. I slammed my hand down furiously on the window ledge and a hot flash of fury coursed through my body.

NO. NO. NO. NO. It can't rain today. The dirt roads here on the reservation will become mud covered and I just washed and waxed the rabbit this morning,

It can't rain… I can't pick Bella up in a dirty car. I know she couldn't care less but I do, I want only the best for her, and the rabbit is the best I can provide. I don't have the money, nor do I ever expect to; to be able to afford the kind of flashy cars the Cullens drove.

I even washed the seat covers, wiped down the entire interior, bought a new air freshener and hung it from the mirror, trying to get rid of the lingering smells of motor oil and grease, you know, that just out of the garage smell.

_Damn it_… it can't rain.


End file.
